Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
