Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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