So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
