it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
