then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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