I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
My legs feel like baby dolphins
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
