Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
