you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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