she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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