Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
