do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
