he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
