I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
