saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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