yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
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you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
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Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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