btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
