why didn't you poke me back
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
