its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
