Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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