Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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