So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
