Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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