I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
