and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
