omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
