Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
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we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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