thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
third nipple confirmed
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
