I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
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I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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