god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
