She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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