New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
