I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Less talking, more tequila
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
