1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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