Please, let me fuck your mom
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
