she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
