first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
we're making bets on your personal life
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
