so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
