I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
