I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
