Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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