He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
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