People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
