Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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