If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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