I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
