FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
