if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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