pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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