people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
