this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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