the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
