For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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