Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
