I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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