He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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